Escape to Beer Mountain: A Rope of Sand [1.1] Joan: Hasn't anyone here grown at all? Gandhi: [Stares at her chest] Joan: [Punches him in the face] You were thinking it. Gandhi: I know... Talking Peanut: Hi'o, Guvna's. I'd shake your hands, but, you know, peanut arms. JFK: [popping in and out of bathroom to taunt Abe and Ghandi] I will see you there. And by will, I mean won't. HA HA HA! / Because you're not invited. I, er, wasn't sure if I was clear on that earlier. So you're not. Invited that is. / TO MY PARTY!! / Forgot to wash my hands... Shadowy Figure: Principal Scudworth, there has been some growing concern among the board of shadowy figures that you might be... completely insane. Scudworth: Blasphemy! Mr. Butlertron: More tea, Wesley? Scudworth: He calls everyone "Wesley". I don't know why... Abe: All I'm saying is, a girl is interested in me, and I'm NOT going to ignore it! Joan: Abe, I want you... Abe: Want me to what? Forgot what you were gonna say? Happens to me all the time. Well, I'm off. JFK, on the Teen Crisis Hotline...: You know that show, "My Two Dads"? It's like that but more gay... JFK's Dad #1, Wally: Oh, look how nice he looks in those Dockers we bought him... JFK: Daaaad... JFK's Dad #2, Carl: What, you're too good to be gay like your old man?! Wally: Carl, it is not his fault....baby was born that way. Van Gogh, on the Teen Crisis Hotline...: Sometimes I just turn the lights off in my room and cry... Gandhi: I'm sorry, uh, Van Gogh, could you speak up? Van Gogh: The only way I can cling to my sanity is that nobody knows how lonely I truly am... Gandhi: [To crowd at party, snickering] He's sad... Crowd: [Laughs] Van Gogh: Hey, am I on speakerphone? Gandhi: Hey, would Gandhi put somebody on speakerphone? Crowd: NO! Van Gogh: [Crying] Gandhi, how could you? Gandhi: Hey man, Gandhi is anti-violence, not anti-comedy. [Hangs up] Woo...feels good to help people. Mr. Butlertron: Are you sure this is the best way to do research? Won't they be able to tell we're not students? Scudworth: You underestimate me, my metal friend. [Scudworth and Butlertron enter JFK's house] Scudworth: What's up, fellow students? Raise the roof! Raise it! [Scudworth kicks Mr. Butlertron] Mr. Butlertron: Where are my bitches? JFK: [to Ghandi] Get off my dinghy. [to girl] Not you! Police Officer: Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend, underage drinking. So, we meet again. How are you, underage drinking? Besides ILLEGAL!
Election Blu-Galoo [1.2] Cleo:All students are special at Clone High but only some are ostracized because they are special. Cleo: This is probably the last time I'll ever use these scissors, unless a giant needs a haircut. Joan: I'm so angry I could kiss you! Abe: What was that? Joan: I said I'm so angry I could...piss...glue... Abe: I've never heard that. Joan: It's a very common expression. Scudworth: Your secret army of cloned historical figures is maturing according to schedule. Shadowy Figure: I'm sorry, Dr. Scudworth, is that a scale model behind you labelled "Dr. Scudworth's Evil Plan?" Scudworth: Say, where'd you get those fresh Pumas, Bro? Shadowy Figure: Actually, we're sponsored by Puma. These bad boys are catalogue-only. Scudworth: If you're implying that I plan to steal the clones away from you and use them in a clone-themed amusement park, then shame on you. By the by, could I have $2,000,000...you know, for dry erase markers and such...they've got some keen new colors like...kiwi...and mango... Shadowy Figure: For giggles, I'm going to keep saying "no" until you turn the TV off. No, no, no, no, no, no, no— Mr. Butlertron: Perhaps you could get Clone High a corporate sponsor; those Pumas were rather freeesh. Scudworth: Sell out, and turn the school into an ad for some profit-hungy corporation? Why, that idea's as foolish as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas! Abe Lincoln: Great idea Joan! Joan of Arc: Raaargh! [Joan sweeps the table clear with her arm.] Abe Lincoln: Clumsy, Joan. Reeeeal clumsy. Campaign Video Narrator: Last year, Abe said he was fifteen. Now he claims to be sixteen. Which is it, Abe? Better keep your stories straight. He'd also like you to believe he's not a baby eater. But he's never gone on record saying he isn't. Maybe he's too busy eating babies. Scudworth: So you're product is called— X-Stream Mike: X-Stream Blue! It's a power snack! X-Stream Erin: Stick it in your face-hole and slam it! Scudworth: This is something you eat? X-Stream Mike: It's really just pancake batter mixed with blue paint in a sports bottle—sick! Tight! Cyber! Awesome! Scudworth: I see...now for allowing you to test market this product on my students, I am willing to be paid $2,000,000. X-Stream Mike: Allow me to confer with my associates ['...To the max...I have low self-esteem...] X-Stream Mike: We accept your offer Scudworth: Dead presidents, Mr. B! JFK: Ask not what your student body president can do for you, ask what you can do to your student body president's body. Joan: There's nothing to worry about, he's just making empty promises and detailing his workout routine. JFK: And on Friday, I do abs and legs, but not calves. As you recall, I do those, with my lats, on Wednesday! Abe: My name is Abe Lincoln, and I'm running for student body presdient. Some girl: I love you JFK! Gandhi: That looks so good, what's in it? Tyler: Great question...have a T-shirt. Gandhi: That totally answers my question! Gandhi: What stinks in here, man? Oh yeah, it's your campaign. You died out there. That assembly was like: this, boom, this. You're the boom. Gandhi: They want to sponsor your campaign. And all you gotta do is abandon your values and promote their product by doing some dangerous, extreme sports-related stunts. X-Stream Erin: Just sign this legit-ass contract! X-Stream Mike: And totally initial article 7! X-Stream Bob: My son won't even look me in the eye anymore! Blueshy: Hey, let's go surf the internet! Ghandi: Straight up man. Numbers don't lie. Anthropomorphic Four: I'm the number five! Mr. Butler-tron: Shouldn't you be saving some of this money instead of having me gold-plated and LOWERED? Scudworth: Don't get all up in my business, my hydraulically outfitted friend. Why, I watched the first two-thirds of VH-1's M.C. Hammer: Behind the Music, and if there's one thing I learned about money, it's that it never runs out! JFK: I thought he was a macho, womanizing stud who conquered the MOON! [Knock on door] JFK: Hark! That sounds like the gentle knock of a vulnerable teenage girl. [JFK opens door to Joan, in the rain] You're wet. Allow me to dry you off... WITH MY PANTS! Abe: Right now all I can think about is not thinking about you over there on your thinking dock thinking about what you did. Joan: I was only trying to help, Abe. You don't know what you're getting into...what she's getting you into. Abe: You don't know what you're getting into, and that's out of my friendship. And do you know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on. But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me. So maybe instead of the nail metaphor, I should have used a stabbing metaphor, but it's too late for that now, isn't it? Joan: I guess it is. Abe: That's where you're wrong, Joan. Because I'm going to win that election with the most dangerous campaign stunt since Dukakis jumped the snake river canyon. Goodbye, Joan. [Walks off dock into water. Gets back onto dock] ...Goodbye, Joan. JFK: I can't see, due to the glare from Mina Suvari's enormous forehead. JFK: That is a good question, scary androgynous white guy, and I would like to reply by taking my shirt off. Abe: My bare-chested opponent raises a good point, but he's avoiding the fact that X-Stream Blue is mad packed with all nine essential nutrimites to fortify your X-Zone. JFK: May I respond to that. Marilyn Manson: Yes you may. JFK: Abe's a tot-muncher. Abe: For my rebuttal, I would like to dramatically gesture to this death-defying skateboard ramp behind me. Scudworth: There goes our ghetto-fabulous lifestyle. Mr. Butlertron: Bling, bling! Scudworth: Fine, whatever, this random dog is your new president. Cleo [To dog]: Hey Mr. President, that's a cute collar. Marilyn Manson: *singing* The ancient pharaohs were not too bright, they say / But they made one contribution that I live by to this day / It's the food pyramid, and it's approved by the USDA / Oh, grains are the foundation, so please take my advice / have 5 to 11 servings of bread, cereal, or rice / 3 to 5 of vegetables, and 4 fruits is best / their anti-oxidants and fibre help you to digest / 3 servings of yogurt, milk, and cheese / will help your bones and subsidize the cattle industries / A body needs to grow / and growing takes proteins / That's why meat can be a tasty treat like fish or human beings / When you eat your sweets, make sure you try / to limit your servings, or you'll DIE! / Everybody! / Our bodies are a pyramid that are made of healthy foods. / So do what we say (Yeah!) / Eat right everyday (Food!) / I....Love...You. / Buy American.
A.D.D.: The last D is for disorder [1.3] Mr. B: Oh Wesley, you have A.D.D. Gandhi: [shocked] A.D.D.? Am I...dying? Mr. B: No, it's A.D.D. Attention-Deficit Disorder. You also have A.D.H.D., its hyperactive cousin. Gandhi: Oh, wow. I...I need a minute to think about this. [thinks for a moment] Gandhi: [happily] Hey, check out this extra flappy skin on my elbow. What is that? Scudworth: When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons. [Tom Green has just noticed Abe reading his book] Tom Green: Hey, you're reading my book! Touch the book...lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Book. Book. Book. Book. Book. Yeah, I haven't read it either, people with ADD aren't good readers. Wanna go shave a dog? Abe: My friend has ADD, and everyone at school treats him like some kind of leper. Tom Green: Well, that's discrimination! Hey, do you wanna go take a dump in my parents' bed? [Abe remains silent] Tom Green: [Caws] I'm an albatross! I'm an albatross! I'm flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings, flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings...[falls out of window]...AAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH-[pokes the skin on his elbow]-AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Tom Green: Hi everybody, I'm Ottawa's Tom Green. I live in Hollywood. [crowd claps] Tom Green: Thank you. So, some of you have been mean to a kid with A.D.D. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone...coffee, anyone? Huh? Sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips! It's a Ferris wheel! So I guess what I'm trying to say is... [sees a plastic bag blow by and runs after it] Tom Green: ...plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Abe: Like Mister Greene so eloquently said ... Tom Green: WHO LIKES CHEESE?
Film Fest: Tears of a Clone [1.4] Shadowy Figure: Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet. But that riot was unacceptable. Scudworth: Unacceptable?! Did you see the pool? They FLIPPED the bitch! Scudworth: Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype! Shadowy Figure: We were thinking somewhere more...intimate. Your house, next Friday, no dairy. Please. [transmission ends] Scudworth: Dammit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in, like, forever! Sigmund Freud: Haw-haw-haw-haw-haw! You love A-abe! You love A-abe! Joan: Go away, Sigmund Freud.
Sleep of Faith: La Rue D'Awakening [1.5] Doug Prepcourse: Sleep ought to be the number one thing on that list. I was in my 18 wheeler late one night, at about the sleepy hour, when I came across a cop, weaving all over the road. He was clearly too sleepy to drive. I tried to guide him off the road with my rig, but I think I over did it and sent that cop sailing off a cliff. [Laughs] Joan: Did you kill him? Doug Prepcourse: Kill him!? I saved his life... 'course, he's a cripple now. Gandhi: [Pause] Hey, is that your rig? SWEET! Gandhi: I don't know if I want a hamburger, hotdog, chili, or all of above. Doug Prepcourse: Can you eliminate two of the options? If you can, go ahead and guess. Chances are, that's what you want. Gandhi: It makes sense because it's real.
Homecoming: A Shot in D'Arc [1.6] JFK: Gay foster dads, can I watch Will & Grace with you? Gay foster dad: But you usually watch SportsCenter up in your room, baby. JFK: I've been thinking of switching channels... and I'm a little scared. Gay foster dad: Getting into a new show can be a little uncomfortable, but once you get into the rhythm of it you'll be on your knees begging for more. Mr. Butler-tron: Your friend should listen to her heart. I'm not programmed to wink but if I were programmed to wink I would have winked when I said your friend.
Plane Crazy: Gate Expectations [1.7] Cleo: Well, I hate to bring up my first kiss with JFK... Abe: Please don't. Cleo: We were in the back of his van at the Dairy Queen, wine cooler bottles poking into our naked, writhing bodies. Abe: Naked bodies?!
A Room of One's Clone: Pie of the Storm [1.8] Abe: Girls, girls, please! You know how I feel about conflict. I'm against it! Now, I love you both. One in a completely platonic way, the other with a fiery passion that most people know but once in a lifetime. By the way, that one's not you, Joan; it's Cleo. Joan of Arc: [referring to Cleo's bra] Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off? Cleopatra: [gasps] You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, bleacher trash! Abe: Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one leg at a time. Ghandi: Shut up! JFK: You shut up! Ghandi: No...YOU shut up. JFK: [Gasps] Did you just tell me to shut up?
Raisin the Stakes: A Rock Opera in Three Acts [1.9] Larry Hardcore: Are you ready to say no to drugs? Coz if you don't say no to drugs, you're gunna say yes, to regret. And believe me, I know a little something about regret. I regret the time, that I got 'high' and wrote a hit song and it made me insane amounts of coin. Coin I used to buy more drugs. And a motor boat. And a house for my mom. Plus I gave some to charity. See, I was into everything. Weed, grass, ganja, reefer, marijuana, mary-jane.. I did it all. I even smoked pot once. I was such a waste case, I would've probably smoked..I dunno raisins if somebody told you that got ya high. [Abe has just taken a puff from a raisin cigarette] Abe: Hm. I don't really feel anything...well, I have a strong constitution, so I don't really-- [Smash cut to Abe dressed in hippie clothing, standing on a small raised area of soil] Abe: I...can taste...the sun! [Laughs wildly] Gandhi: Geldemore! But, where's the princess? Geldemore: Closer than you think, Gandhi. Use the Amulet. [Gandhi uses the amulet; Geldemore becomes slightly more humanoid but is still very much unicorn-ish.] Geldemore: It was I, all along. As a reward for your bravery and leadership, I shall thrice lay you. Gandhi: Uhhh, that's—, that's cool. But [cough] I'm good. Geldemore: But, but, but I shall thrice lay you. Gandhi: Uh, I just ate, and they say you shouldn't lay thrice, uh, after eating. Uh [cough] thank you. Geldemore: We could just do coffee first. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Gandhi: It's just, um, I've got to be up early. Geldemore: Oh—, Ok, alright, that's fine. I'm kinda seeing someone anyway. Gandhi: Well, uh, thanks for the trippy adventure through my subconscious, huh. I'll call you. Geldemore: Oh, ok, great. Gandhi: You know, maybe we could, uh, hang out, uh, but, you know, not— Geldemore: Sure, sometime, maybe. Gandhi: —not lay. Geldemore: Whatever. I'm listed, in Santa Monica.
Litter Kills: Litterally [1.10] Scudworth: D'oooh, he thinks he's the greatest thing since wheels on a bucket! Glen the Janitor: Ponce was like a son to me... probably because he was my foster son... my DEAD foster son. [sobs] Son, I just want you to know-- Scudworth: Oh, janitor! Some kid threw up in the hallway. Could you make with the sawdust and clean it up? Glen: I'm... kinda delivering my son's eulogy, here. Scudworth: Yeeeah... If you could just do it now, your son will still be dead when you get back.
JFK: "Now Mario's dead........I'm killing every 1......oh....why couldn't Ponce have had 3 lives like Mario?" JFK: I'm a Kennedy; I'm not accustomed to tragedy!
Snowflake Day: A Very Special Holiday Episode [1.11] Abe: Where am I going to get money to buy Cleo a good present? Gandhi: Have a Bar Mitzvah, dude. You get mad stacks! Abe: Sounds sweet but I think I'm going to do the Christian thing, get a job. Gandhi: Right on! Both Will Smith and Bill Gates have jobs and they're millionaires! Abe and Gandhi: [High five] To jobs! Abe: What a jerk! Napoleon's got some sort of a complex. I don't know what it is, but man.
Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode [1.12] Scudworth: I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself! JFK: Hey, you! Half Pint, Junior Mint, Pipsqueak, Tiny Tim, Yardstick, Snack Pack, Wee Fella, Brown Leprechaun! Gandhi: Are you talking to me? Cleo: Joan, are you thinking what I'm thinking?... Cleo: Makeover! Joan: Suicide!
Changes: The Big Prom: The Sex Romp: The Season Finale [1.13] Scudworth: "STAMOS! DAMN HIM AND HIS JET-BLACK HAIR AND AWARD-WINNING SMILE! Oh, I'm a failure! A failure! I'm so disorganized! I start to dial, but I never call anyone back! You should see my car! It's a mess. I'm a mess! I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant and I leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card at home,every time! All I want is a free sandwich. STAMOS!" Abe's foster dad: Well, foster son, over half of high school students nationwide have chosen abstinence, which is a good choice. But they're not dating Cleo-frigging-patra! Have you seen that girl's ass!? It's built like the space shuttle! Oh this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun! But, abstinence is a good choice as well.